Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
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I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”