Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

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Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.


My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”


Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”


Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?


Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.


Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.


Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.


Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use


Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”