@pembdave

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

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@CoreyKeyz

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

@jpep20

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

@Kica333

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

@UncleDuke1969

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

@unravelingfire

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

@timdonakowski

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

@FatherWithTwins

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

@Thynebear

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

@Im_Tricia

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”