Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
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I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Stop it! 😂
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.