Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
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Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.