Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
You Might Also Like
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him