Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
You Might Also Like
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”