Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”


My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.


Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.


“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team


I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.


My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”


*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*


You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.