Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
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Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky