@SadPeruna

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

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@cpsemple

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

@OctopusCaveman

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

@Rollmaninoz

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

@ChaseMit

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

@DirtMcTurd

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

@Skoog

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

@RxitWounds

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

@hythemafia

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

@GrabTheWEness

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

@1AIMMadellynne

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.