@SadPeruna

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

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@torrami

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

@MsCassieDaniels

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

@shanethevein

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

@Briidashian

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

@BradBroaddus

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

@martyntanton

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

@SpacePlankton

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

@AddledPixie

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.