Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
(2022)
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it