@kelkulus

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

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@PaperWash

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

@tastefactory

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

@cydbeer

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

@freypalm

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

@Book_Krazy

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

@UNDEADTRESOR

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

@BenStJohns

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

@Kennedydp5

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

@phranqueigh

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

@J_Dazzle76

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.