[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.