@WilliamAder Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
@kelkulus Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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@WilliamAder 
@SoulYodeler Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
@althene Pass gas, not judgment.
@tyiepo Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
@noog Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
@JasonLastname The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
@GingerHotDish Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
@PeychoKanev I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
@BrosefWtheMosef when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
@JoleenDoreen A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.