Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.


Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.


Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.


Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.


Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.


when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week


A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.