@PaperWash [handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
@kelkulus Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
You Might Also Like
@PaperWash 
@tastefactory I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
@cydbeer Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
@freypalm Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
@Book_Krazy Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
@UNDEADTRESOR When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
@BenStJohns Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
@Kennedydp5 I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
@phranqueigh How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
@J_Dazzle76 If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.