Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
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[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Time for evil
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi