Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
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My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
what could possibly go wrong?
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
School be like
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?