[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house