[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
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Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Guys, I found it.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you