WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
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Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
this has done me in for some reason
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on