Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang