Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
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Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.