Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
You Might Also Like
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
when there are deer in the woods
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Finally!
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?