Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Who did it better?
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.