Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
become ungovernable
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???