Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
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PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.