@jokesuk

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

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@Marlebean

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

@Marlebean

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

@ObscureGent

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

@slimmy_shady

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

@PinkCamoTO

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.