Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
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Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Golf would be better with landmines.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.