woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
You Might Also Like
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic