Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
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shampoo implies shampee
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.