Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
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[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Was it something I said?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser