Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
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My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I’m Sold!
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.