WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.