@WilliamAder

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

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@Alisialynne

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

@david8hughes

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

@daemonic3

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

@tgonefishin

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

@Valdemort_Arg

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

@Mainstream_Man

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

@WilliamAder

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

@notmythirdrodeo

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

@stacywawa1

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

@Fickle_Filly

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.