Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

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Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.


If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.


[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*


Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere


*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.


Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.


Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.


[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel


The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?


The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.