Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
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*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I can fix him.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.