WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.