@Home_Halfway

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

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@KMoFlo_official

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

@GabbbarSingh

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

@LoveNLunchmeat

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

@PaperWash

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

@mcodes312

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

@sicsimptyrannis

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

@Tmoney68

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

@theSolemnBard

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

@EastKentTom

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?