*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.