Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

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*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet


How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️


*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.


Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy


The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.


I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.


wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok


“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.