@VikingBut

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

You Might Also Like

@theshantilly

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

@dmndstarpotato

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Roweboat13G

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

@RealDMK

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

@jwoodham

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

@omgshuddup

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

@iwearaonesie

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

@CourtneyBale

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.