Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
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Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
getting corrected
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*