Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
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Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child