Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
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*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Okey dokey.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.