Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow