Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
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JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
can’t catch a break
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.