Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
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Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
Thank god he is good looking.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
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marvel comics have peaked
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?