Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
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They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Basically.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.