@Brentweets

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

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@iinkedZombie

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

@sofarrsogud

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

@iheartgunts

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

@Swishergirl24

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

@Maxine12333

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

@JermHimselfish

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

@407Creative

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

@carlyken

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.