Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

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I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”


Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No


“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.


Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.


Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.


Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back


Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!


If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.