Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
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Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.