Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
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the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
The government even made aliens boring
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Thinking about Jeff
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush