Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
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“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.