Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
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[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.