women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
You Might Also Like
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Good morning