Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
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Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
found this cool rock hiking today
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants