Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
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SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…