Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
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Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
This is my cat’s medicine.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.