women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
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-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor