Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

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Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.


I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.


[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?


There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.


CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too


*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?


@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!


Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”




“You have 2 days.”


I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.