Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
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I’m half potato on my dad’s side
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes