Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
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Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.