Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
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Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.