@samalmightysam

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

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@dragnut

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

@drunkNnaughty

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

@Brianhopecomedy

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

@zg_irl

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

@AnthroBalkans

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

@spittingllama_

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

@SCbchbum

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.