Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

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Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.


If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends


When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.


This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.


Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.


When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.


Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.