@samalmightysam

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

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@Robert_Craig

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

@ManJuggs

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

@BDGarp

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

@YearOfRat

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

@tinynietzsche

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

@imchriskelly

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

@osigat

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

@UncleDuke1969

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

@TEXASVETERAN

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?