Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
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I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.