Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.