@noog

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

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@fillthevacuum

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

@Manda_like_wine

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

@hythemafia

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

@abhorrent_wife

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

@nursemella

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

@PaperWash

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

@TheFirstDudish

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

@TheTweetOfGod

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.