Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
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Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle