women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
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If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts