They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
You Might Also Like
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do