Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

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They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.


[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.


[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on


God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*


“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts


judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God


“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera


Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.


I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.


Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do