Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
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My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume